Jokes

Jokes : Funny jokes, funny stories and videos.

Murphy's work laws

The Murphy's laws about work :

- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
- To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
- Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

Category: Jokes

0 December 17, 2011

Lawyer jokes

Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.

Q. What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A. You always hear about them, but you never see them.

Q. What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A. A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

Q. What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school?
A. A fucking know-it-all.

Q. Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A. You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.

Category: Jokes

Subject

0 December 17, 2011

Does Santa exist?

Do you believe in Santa Claus? Is Santa Claus real? Is there any proof whether Santa Clause is real or not? Where do letters to Santa go?

The renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990)has presented the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

Category: Jokes

0 December 17, 2011

Two atoms in a bar

Two atoms bump into each other. One says 'I think I lost an electron!' The other asks, 'Are you sure?', to which the first replies, 'I'm positive.'

Category: Jokes

0 December 17, 2011

Relativity

A bunch of jokes about the theory of relativity:

A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train?

Why did the chicken cross the road? Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Q: How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.

Category: Jokes

0 December 17, 2011

Wife or mistress

A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says: "Certainly a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.

The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and that is good for your health.

Category: Jokes

0 December 17, 2011

Statistics confuse

Three statisticians go hunting. When they see a rabbit, the first one shoots, missing it on the left. The second one shoots and misses it on the right.
The third one shouts: "We've hit it!"

Category: Jokes

0 December 17, 2011

Statistics and numbers

A Statistics Department is hiring mathematicians. Three recent graduates are invited for an interview: one has a degree in pure mathematics, another one in applied math, and the third one obtained his B.Sc. in statistics.
All three are asked the same question: "What is one third plus two thirds?"
The pure mathematician: "It's one."
The applied mathematician takes out his pocket calculator, punches in the numbers, and replies: "It's 0.999999999."
The statistician: "What do you want it to be?"

Category: Jokes

0 December 17, 2011

thirteen-dimensional space

A mathematician and his best friend, an engineer, attend a public lecture on geometry in thirteen-dimensional space.
"How did you like it?" the mathematician wants to know after the talk.
"My head's spinning", the engineer confesses. "How can you develop any intuition for thirteen-dimensional space?"
"Well, it's not even difficult. All I do is visualize the situation in arbitrary N-dimensional space and then set N = 13."

Category: Jokes

0 December 17, 2011

Empty hotel

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were sitting in a street cafe watching the crowd. Across the street they saw a man and a woman entering a building. Ten minutes they reappeared together with a third person.

"They have multiplied", said the biologist.
"Oh no, an error in measurement", the physicist sighed.
"If exactly one person enters the building now, it will be empty again", the mathematician concluded.

Category: Jokes

0 December 17, 2011

Betting at the races

A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer went again to the races and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says,

"I don't understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..."

The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning..."

Category: Jokes

0 December 17, 2011

Let me be out

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.

Category: Jokes

0 December 17, 2011

Chuck Norris and Twitter

Chuck Norris doesn't need twitter, he's already following you.

Category: Jokes

0 December 08, 2011

Chuck norris and God jokes

All the Chuck Norris and God jokes on the internet :

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

God created man in his own image. Then Chuck Norris made several major improvements and created himself.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in God. God believes in Chuck Norris.

To get some sleep, Chuck Norris invented God.

If you looked up God in the dictionary, you would find half a photo of Chuck Norris. Chuck roundhouse kicked the other half of the dictionary to Australia.

When Chuck Norris plays God he always wins.

Category: Jokes

0 December 06, 2011

The force of chuck norris

Did you know Chuck Norris had a role in Star Wars......he was the force.

Category: Jokes

0 December 06, 2011