Only people from USA face these first world problems.
- The Superbowl has too many commercials...
- I have to sleep with my windows closed in my Manhattan apartment, because of the noise.
- Little Italy has no good Italian food anymore.
- Why are people move to the "fast lane" if they do not intend to drive fast ?
- Every time i buy a new iPhone i have to login to all my accounts again!
- I can't find an instagram filter to make my selfie on niagara falls look good...
The top ten of Chuck Norris jokes as of 2015 .
1) Chuck Norris can look at you in a tone of voice.
2) A Chuck Norris action figure has slept with more women than you.
3) There's a 99.9% chance, Chuck Norris is your biological father.
4) When Chuck Norris works out the machine gets stronger.
5) Chuck Norris' hand beats Royal Flush.
6) Chuck Norris doesn't sell "I"ce cream he sells "U" scream.
7) When Chuck Norris trims his beard, he donates his hair to the military; His shavings save lives in the form of Kevlar.
April fools status updates not to be confused with May 31st status updates.
I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.
April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly. ~Ambrose Bierce, -- The Devil's Dictionary
Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee,
And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
~Robert Frost, "Cluster of Faith," 1962
"The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year." --Mark Twain
Cheesy and funny pickup lines for boys and girls:
Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears!
I'm not a photographer, but I can picture me and you together.
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
My doctor says I'm lacking Vitamin U.
Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.
You're so beautiful that you made me forget my pickup line.
The top ten of Chuck norris jokes -eer- i mean chuck norris facts as of 2015 .
1) Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
2) Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.
3) If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
4) Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
5) Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic
So you think this year is the one ?
Here are the top and funny resolutions for the new year:
James Agate New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.
Eric Zorn: Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle.
According to the research of "Laughlab" (read about it on the funniest joke ever), here is the second funniest joke ever :
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?"
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
This is not a joke.
The top 20 of all the Murphy's laws. They all derive from the original law of Murphy:
0. Everything that can go wrong will.
In no particular order, here are the top 20 most important laws of Murphy:
1 - Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
2 - Anybody can win -- unless there happens to be a second entry.
3 - No matter which direction you start it's always against the wind coming
back.(No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.)
4 - Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.
The Murphy's laws about work :
- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
- To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
- Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
Do you believe in Santa Claus? Is Santa Claus real? Is there any proof whether Santa Clause is real or not? Where do letters to Santa go?
The renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990)has presented the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
Two atoms bump into each other. One says 'I think I lost an electron!' The other asks, 'Are you sure?', to which the first replies, 'I'm positive.'
A bunch of jokes about the theory of relativity:
A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train?
Why did the chicken cross the road? Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
Q: How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.
A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says: "Certainly a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and that is good for your health.
A Statistics Department is hiring mathematicians. Three recent graduates are invited for an interview: one has a degree in pure mathematics, another one in applied math, and the third one obtained his B.Sc. in statistics.
All three are asked the same question: "What is one third plus two thirds?"
The pure mathematician: "It's one."
The applied mathematician takes out his pocket calculator, punches in the numbers, and replies: "It's 0.999999999."
The statistician: "What do you want it to be?"