Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.
Q. What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A. You always hear about them, but you never see them.
Q. What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A. A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
Q. What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school?
A. A fucking know-it-all.
Q. Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A. You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says: "Certainly a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and that is good for your health.